Wednesday, February 28, 2007 more.

For years, I have always had a panic approach to life. When I get what I want, I panic. When I don't get what I want, I panic. When everyone around me panics, I panic; even if everyone around me doesn't, I do! It went on for a very long while, until today.

Looking at children today, I feel a pang of envy because they live worry-free lives. They have little or no obligations at all because other people are responsible for them. As we grow older, the responsibilities crop up and before we know it, they are endless. We have deadlines to beat, bills to pay, significant others to please, bosses' demands to cater to, other people's lives to look after, I can go on and on and on. I think what has overwhelmed me is the fact that as an adult, I am now responsible for other people's lives. It scared the hell out of me. I thought that it was too big a responsibility for me to handle. This was me speaking as a single woman. What more if I have a family of my own? These things were in my thoughts all the time which made me a panic freak.

The biggest panic of my life happened when I got a text message from my mom about my dad's poor health condition one early morning in August last year. It took a lot of convincing from my mom for my dad to succumb but to no avail. I had to be the one to fetch them from Bulacan late that night for Daddy to agree for a check-up. The following day, he was confined to the hospital upon his doctor's advice. I was able to do a hundred chores I never thought I could in one day. And then it finally hit me. I am responsible for my father now. I am responsible for my parents and my brother. I am a grown up. I make decisions for them. It never even crossed my mind that a big chunk of my savings would be used because in this situation, it doesn't matter anymore when you know that it is the life of someone you love that's at stake. Over a decade ago, my mom was hospitalized for a cervical operation. She was in critical condition...but I never felt the same way because at that time all the grown ups around me did the worrying and took responsibility. All I worried about back then was my studies and nothing more. I knew then that everything's been taken care of even if I knew everyone's panicking because they couldn't find a blood match for her (she's a type B negative)...still, I knew she'd be okay. Or maybe, I just really didn't care because I was shielded. And now I know the difference. Back then, I used to be glad being in the hospital during my mom's confinement because I knew there were lots of food and it's like one big family reunion. Now, aside from dreading to be in the hospital, I realize that all that matters is the thought, support and prayers of your family and friends. From that experience, I learned to appreciate everything around me, simplify my life and worry less because I know that there is always an end to every beginning. It can never be still or infinite or hanging. It is either black or white, no grey areas.

You see, when you get older, you just really want to go back to the simplest of things. When you have fewer in your hands, heart, and mind, everything seems to be clearer. It is not an easy thing for me to do but with God by my side, life is a breeze.

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